I Only Live Here

"It's her house, you just happen to live there."

This was the response I received several years ago after battling a silent weekly battle with my first maid.  I felt that my short white socks should be kept in the same drawer with my work-out attire.  I never really wore them at any other time than on runs and trips to the gym so that made perfect sense to me.  The Help, however, felt my socks would rather reside next to my equally white t-shirts, a few drawers away.

She eventually won.

Today I got my first visit from my new maid.  I am convinced there is a maid handbook replete with universal advise for how the employer should be living.

Allow me to take you on tour of my first-day-after discoveries...

Exhibits A & B: I believe a ruler was used.  All items perfectly aligned to the edges and each other?  Check.  Evenly distributed with equal parts space and materials?  Check.  Coasters precision fanned?  Check.

(Why my camera charger and US cell phone need to be on my night stand I can not yet answer.)

Exhibit C: Let the war begin.  I understand needing to clean the glass.  However, dropping the used wine corks down into the vase so that they are all standing upright requires both skill and time.  I tried.  We'll see how long this battle can be kept up; the number of corks will only grow so this could get interesting!

Exhibit D: Well, "Olá!" new potted plant on my kitchen table!  Where did you come from?  I guess my apartment was not as aesthetically pleasing as it should heave been.  My apologies. 

Exhibit E: The other war.  These glass storage containers - coffee, sugar, rice, and oats - were lined up single-file along the back counter wall when I left for work.  Now they are interpreting the ancient pyramids.  What if I don't want to eat oats next?  

Exhibit "pièce de résistance": The Code of the Unadorned Nail.  To quote the International Maid Handbook, "Leave no metal protrusion of the wall naked when you leave the residence.  Any object would be fortunate to have the elevated vantage point of a picture frame or coat hook and should be displayed with pride."


"I don't know why Bananagrams is hanging from my bedroom wall," I will tell future visitors to my apartment, "I only live here."